10 facts about me:
- I had a police case when i was 13.
- I had to go for counselling sessions for 6 long months.
- I was almost expelled from school when i was 14.
- I tried running away from home at 14, failed though.
- I almost joined an underground gang at 14.
- I started smoking at 15 and im still doing so.
- I had my first tattoo on my finger at 15.
- I tried running away from home again at 16, failed.
- I spew lotsa vulgarities.
- I have changed.
And with that, i know where i stand. Im not good enough for a guy whom i felt is the greatest. And with that idea in mind, ive carried out a very awful plan. I may had been accused, misjudged, misinterpreted, but it doesnt matter. Though heartwrenching, but true; cold and aloof. Trust me, it wasnt easy.
Ive been so busy lately, everything seemed to pass by me like a train moving at its maximum speed. Been too busy juggling between work, dance and social life to the extend that i dont even have time for myself, needless to say spending time bonding with my family, nor him. Today is the 3rd time i had dinner at home since the holidays started. Somehow i wished there were 50 hours in a day instead.
I wonder why ive been so busy when its the holidays and i should be enjoying and ought to be feeling bored stucked at home, like how i always feel during the past holidays. Its really not the case this time round. Whats happening?!
As far as i could remember, early last week i met Rene, Teddy, Siwei and Bird for a round of mahjong at Rene's place before meeting Spermy together with the others for supper at Chomp Chomp. Heard of it countless time but it was the only time i went there. Was starving that i ate so much.
On Thursday, if im not wrong, Shalyn, Kevin, Kenny and David crashed my place for a mini party since my parent were overseas. Supposed to have a DVD marathon but its either there's something wrong with my DVD player, or there's something wrong with Kenny's DVD. Played poker cards till 6am and went for prata breakfast. First time sitting in David's car, like finally! weeee.
On Sunday, crashed Grace's house for a slumber party. Supposed to be a stayover with the barbies but only Anisah, Samantha and Rachel could make it. All of them had to go home so i didnt stay over in the end either. I went to Shalyn's house to sleep though. Watched Vcd while pigging on pizza. gossiped and bitch about, updating each other's life, scarying ourselves with spooky incidents, laughing our heads off with Rachel's story and expressions. All these were done over a span of 5 hours at Grace's place. I love it and i hope for more to come. =)
Yesterday, celebrated Denise's and Bird's birthday at Fish n Co glasshouse. 18 people were present (if im not wrong).
Caught The Great Raid with them after that. 2.5 stars outta 5. Supposed to meet Celine at Plaza Singapura first but i alighted at Parkmall and it was raining cats and dogs. I was drenched from head to toe just by alighting and seeking shelter at the bus stop. So i dashed to the shopping mall and tried to make my way to Funkies to meet Edwin, Sperm, Marcel and Rene. A kind lady sheltered me all the way there and i thought that was a really sweet move. I was so shocked when she offered. To think that Singapore has such nice soul around. How touched.
Tomorrow, there will be a photoshoot for the school's magazine, followed by performance for Engineering week before reporting for work at 6pm. Im gonna be so worn out. I hate taking pictures these days because of my dark eye rings and haggard look. How much i hate to even look into the mirror now. Ive put on weight and i can see/feel it. I feel disgusting due to the extra pounds of flesh/fats on my arms, tummy and needless to say big carrot legs.
Very very naggy i know, just let me whine. My only source and space for myself. Things havent been going on too smoothly for me and im totally disappointed in someone. I am utterly crestfallen. My heartache is as strong as my backache. I cant take the amount of stress that had been piled up since the holidays started. I wish there's someone to share my burden with, someone to shoulder my responsiblities, someone who will catch me when i fall. But the truth sucks, that someone, has been piling more stress on me. And i can take it no more.
Too many things happened recently, i kinda lost track of time. I remembered meeting the icytong guys on Saturday in town before reporting for work at 6pm after Ah Chai drive all of us down to East Coast Mac. People present were Cliff, Ah Chai, Belvis, David, YongQuan, Jacob, Ang and Deron. It had been ages since i last saw them and it was good meeting up once again.
On Friday, i met Denise and Celine. It was totally not our day because so many things happened against our way. Shant elaborate any further. We went tanning at Edwin's house without Edwin being at home. The sun was on and off and we didnt get very much browner. Caught Into The Blue at Tampines Mall. We wanted to catch the 40 year old virgin actually, but due to unforeseen circumstances, it had to be called off. Went for dance after that.
Short term memory, cant really remember what happened the days before. Cant be bothered to think and recall actually. Im too hungry. Wayne is supposed to meet me for supper at 12+ but its gonna be 1am soon and he havent called. He didnt pick up my call either. Im famished and bored. Too bored actually and i cant log onto MSN and that's the worst thing ever when im so super duper bored.
Mom and Dad would be leaving for Genting on Thursday and wooohooo party time people! I remember the 2 last incident when they went overseas, leaving only me and my sister at home (bro was in NS), it was a total blast but my house was turned upside down all thanks to the volleyball guys and Douglas who cooked almost everything edible in my kitchen.
And i remember those days whereby Douglas and I were alone in the kitchen cooking for the other guys. I was like his assistant and assisted him in everything. I miss those days. And i miss those days when Douglas and i poke fun and tickle each other, drinking and making me happy at Music Underground, watching him play volleyball at Sunsetbay and of course, him lying beside me while i sleep. But i'll also never forget those days where hurt me the most, stabbing me at the same wound he inflicted again and again.
But those days were gone and i know it will never return. We aren't even talking to each other and i dont know just where the problem lies. Cant we even be friends again? And no, i was just reminiscing the past, nothing to do with the present, needless to say the future.
And i shant digress any further. Oh yes as i was saying, im gonna party till i go crazy while my parents are outta town. Mahjong anyone?
Oh, have i mentioned? I hate it when people ignore me. I always end up feeling like a fool everytime i try to message you. And its so freaking annoying when you dont pick up my calls and hang up without saying byebye.
Remember a few weeks back i had dance camp in school? Ever since that fateful day, my lower back has been feeling the strain and it hurts really badly especially when i bend. Like an old po-po, so pathetic can. And its aching so much i really cant take the pain. I wanna go for a full body massage, spa and sauna. Ohhhh, heavenly.
And im really very hungry though i ate dinner twice today. Oh gawd!
Oh yay, off day tomorrow! Sleep like a log and wake up to break my back while i have my dance practice in school.
And i know im really whinny, i cant help it. Its too bored to be true.
It was once a magical feeling
I thought i was the luckiest girl on earth
But its all a facade
When i realised the difference we all serve
Its a complicated world we're living in
A complicated mess ive landed in
And i dislike the complications that ive made
Its making me feel so dead
The freedom i had, the freedom i yearn
I lived from day to day
Following my way, in an uncontrolled way
I prefer my carefree olden days
No worries, no pains
No heartaches, no maze
Standing there alone
Being the strong girl ive always known
Flip the board, stop the game
Love is just a name
Toss the coin, do it right
Escaping with all your might
---
I think i make a good poet, no?
WHO? Barbies only
WHAT? Chalet
WHERE? Costa Sands Sentosa
WHEN? 23rd October 2005 (Sunday)
WHY? A substitue for our 'Redang Getaway'
Now my dear barbies, i have 3 options for you girls. Please tell me which option you prefer by tagging my tagboard, sms option 1, 2 or 3 to my mobile, or message me when you catch me online on msn. DO IT ASAP!!
Option 1: Book the room for only 1 night and try to drag each other up by hook or by crook before 10.30am.
Option 2: Book the room for 2 nights and we'll play till night time on the 24th and check out which means we dont stay over for the 2nd night.
Option 3: Forget about the chalet and have a slumber party at Grace's house. But no knock-out cos it would be too noisy.
Before you barbies make your choice, here are some pointers to be taken into consideration:
- Samantha would not be staying overnight because of Scooby.
- Grace would not be staying overnight.
- Leanne has yet to give me an answer if she is allowed to stay overnight. If she is allowed to, she can only stay for 1 night.
- Anisah and Gena gotta celebrate their anniversay with their boy(s) on the 25th so they are only staying for the first night.
- Rachel can only stay overnight on 1 day.
- Angie could not be reached at the moment.
- There wouldnt be much to do at Sentosa except beaching and fooling around, 3 days 2 nights seems a little too redundant.
- We'll be having a knock-out party on the first night, so sleepers like me would have a hard time checking out by 10.30am.
- If we do not check out by 10.30am, we gotta pay for another night's stay.
- It would cost $70 for a night. That would be $8.75 per pax excluding food and entrance fee.
- Booking the chalet for 2 nights would cost $17.50 per pax excluding food and entrance fee.
And that's about it. Any queries, do get back to me. Let me know really soon so i can book the place before there's no vacancy left. Its gonna be fun!
I havent been a happy bunny lately.
Counting down, its exactly one week to 17 months of being single; and im loving it. Judging by the amount of time spent being single, free from controls and being tied up, i must have been too used to my kind of life, i find it a little too difficult to be attached.
I think i forgot how it is like to be in love, i forgot how love feels and what love can do. There is even a high possibility that i mistook a confidante as a lover, or misused the word 'love' to replace crush; infatuation; like or even interest.
I must have been too dependent on my lost love 17 months ago that i no longer am an independent lady when it comes to being in a relationship though i strongly believe in equality between men and women. But still, I adore perfect surprises on a not-so-perfect day and being pampered, spoilt and treated like a princess.
I like man, and i repeat, man, not boys, who are reserve in a way yet happening and fun in another. Very contradicting i know, just like how i enjoy gourmet food but puke em all out so i wont put on so much weight.
Im a very contradicting person and sometimes my contradiction pissed me off a little way too much. At times, or rather, most of the times, i dont really know what i exactly feel like doing or what i exactly wanna do. I can hardly fathom myself yet i expect people around me to fully comprehend what's on my mind. What arrogance!
Im beginning to doubt myself and my level of maturity when it comes to affairs of the heart. Yes i do envy lovey dovey couples on the streets or people i personally know who have years of relationship with their spouse. My bestie for example, have been with her boyfriend coming 4 years by the end of this year. But when i try to put myself in that same scenerio, i would rather back out and say "im better off alone".
It must have been the way i was being brought up. Since young, i often engage myself in conversations with my mom, aunts and cousins who were more than 10 years older than me. Though i hardly express my views, because im too young to understand, i listen very attentively and their conversation etched a deep memory in my memory lane.
There were quite a number of incidents whereby my cousins had to call of their engagement because their guy cheated them, either their feelings, or their money, or both. What jerkasses! And i remember very clearly, that they often told me to be weary of guys especially when i place my heart in the picture. Sometimes, i do have a prejudice againts men, i think.
Some of my friends said "you'll never know the outcome till you try it out", while some said "to be in a relationship, you gotta be happy, its not totally about him being your dream one", while some with total no help said "follow your heart".
I personally feel that to be in a relationship, love aint enough. It isnt and will never be enough to keep it going and growing. Being in love, doesnt mean you gotta be together. Compatiability counts. Being happy together is all that matters.
Isnt it very hard to be with someone for a lifetime if they're not from the same league? Its just like a studious person wouldnt fall for an ahlian with no interest in studies or a pork seller cant possibly marry a malay. Note: not being racist over here, in case i get sued and sentenced to jail, wth. Correct me if im wrong, but the above two examples makes sense right?
Im too tired to go on, there's a lot to say but i think i shall just keep it to myself. The more i say, the more mistake i make. And no, it isnt something personal, its just something that came to thought suddenly.
I wanna be a happy and carefree bunny once again.
It had been a really busy week. My life is filled with activities daily to the extent that i have no time for myself. Lets click the rewind button, shall we?
Thursday
The whiny barbie, Samantha's 18th birthday eve. I worked till 6pm, got home to prepare and met the barbies and kens at Suntec for dinner at Sundanese Restaurant. Dinner was fairly good and i bet Samantha had a great birthday. All the way girl!
Samantha, the main cast and Joe.
Barbies and Kens dining at Sundanese Restaurant
The sane barbies...
..who later became mad and vulgar?
No pictures of myself and Sam because i think its in Angie's camera and she havent send it to me yet! More pictures can be viewed from Grace's; Leanne's or Gena's.
I got home close to midnight and i had to work at 2pm the next day. At about 2am, Kerson called me up and suggested supper at HongKong Cafe with his brother and 2 other friends. I agreed! Cos i was exteremly bored and kinda moody. I woke up feeling like a living dead the next day because i had insufficient sleep. bahh.
Friday
Before leaving for work, Tess (aka Sizhu) caught me online and i casually asked her which day we would be meeting next week because i had to apply for leave from work. She suggested TODAY, which was last Friday and i got quite a shock. But since work ended at 6pm for me, i agreed.
Met up with Tess and Sabrina in town for dinner at N.Y.D.C Heerens and walked around the mall. Our day ended with more than a hundred pictures taken while camera-whoring at Graffiti Cafe in just about an hour. 3 insane girls were laughing and giggling like nobody's business.
Im so glad we met up my girlies. More of these happenings moments to come! love!
It was also a day a number of my guy friends serve their NS. Take care Alex, Raymond, Jeffrey (though your msn nick stated that NS didnt want you) and Rayn/Marcus.
Got home close to midnight again and had a round of mahjong with Kenny, Kevin and Zhenjie. I won 12 bucks! Weeeeeeeee. We ordered MacDonalds in the middle of the night and Gabriel came up to my place for a while since he saw the lights from my room still switched on at 3am.
Saturday
Saturday was Best Friend's day. Not official, not international, but just for Shalyn and myself. I was celebrating Shalyn's very belated birthday together by popping by her house which took me 1 and a half hour to reach cos she had moved to Tampines with a birthday cake that was oh-so-fabulously-sinful.
Left for town, like again? We reached town only at 7+ and we started on a crazy search for good food. Both of us weren't very hungry actually but we had to settle for dinner anyhoos. So we walked the whole of Cineleisure, then proceeded to Taka, then Wisma, then Heerens and back to Cineleisure finally to have Suki Sushi. WTH?! When we finally made up our minds where to dine, it was already 8+pm, close to 9 and our tummy were totally famished and we just settled anywhere. I was a hungry hippo.
And Lyn was such a sweetie, she took bus 36 with me and we alighted at the same stop. She gotta change to another bus to reach Tampines and from there, another bus to reach her final destination - home. That took her more than an hour, definately. Muacks muacks.
Best friends!
Amber.Shalyn.
Sunday
Was quite a normal day because i was working full shift and i forgot to bring my handphone out to work. Went home hoping that my mobile would be flooded with messages and missed calls but it wasn't really that case. Well, forget it Amber, do get used to it. =)
My mood was low and i wanted to head out to the beach so much, just to feel the breeze or something. And at that instance, my handphone rang! Kerson messaged me and asked if i would like to go out to chill or something. I said i was lazy and would call him back if im in for it. He said he's on his way to East Coast because he aint in a good mood and wanted to feel the breeze too. Great mind thinks alike? But i didnt in the end cos i was lazy and tired so i went to bed.
Kelvin called last night. There's something about him that makes me wanna call him everytime i have a problem. He would definately give me a kind of advice that i would never hear from anyone else and his words would made me think a lot and somehow, make a decision or he had indirectly gave me an answer for my doubts and queries.
And yea, that's about it.
I hereby sincerely give my utmost thanks and gratitude to Gabriel, Hengkai and Wenfu for being there for me when i was confused, lost and depressed today. I'm very grateful that there's you people being there for me, if not i wouldnt know what to do. Thanks for being by my side and helping out in every little thing you could do to make me feel better. Thanks Hengkai for fetching me down to Kallang Macs, thanks Wenfu for buying food for my very famished but no appetite stomach, thanks Gabriel for giving my mom and i a lift down to that very horrible place i dont wish to go to again. Thanks my friends.
Its things like that when i realised how much i love my family, how much they mean to me. Its only at times like that when everything becomes so serious till i realise how important they are to me. Because of what happened today, i came to a lot of realisation.
Cliff was released today. He called me up in a very excited and happy tone, asking me to guess who he is. But i shouted and screamed at him because i was in a really foul mood and confused state. Sorry Cliff. But im glad you're out of KBC, and hopefully we would meet up soon when im less busy with work and dance and everything else. We had a short chat just 10 minutes ago, things seems fine to me.
Above all, i wanna thank God for protecting my family over this crisis. Thank God that everything didnt turn out so serious. Thank God that i have true friends out there being my pillar of strength. Thank God for everything.
Once again, thank you.
I had a great chill out session with Kerson just now. If only i get to chill, relax and enjoy myself everyday like that! He waited for me outside my shop as i got delayed by some customers. So we met up for dinner and i brought him over to HongKong Cafe because i had this sudden urge for the portugese baked rice which Wayne recommended me a few months back.
Dinner was good, though i didnt eat the portugese baked rice cos i wanna try something else. Kerson tried it though. Yay! Good recommendation right?! We reached there about 10+ and sat there, chill, chatted, laughed, joked, talk about our past about almost everything and anything till 1+am! My gawd, time waits for no man. lol.
Im supposed to go tanning with Denise, Celine and prolly the other guys tomorrow but there were some last minute changes and i guess it would be cancelled. Prolly we're catching a movie or maybe i'll just stay home since i havent been chilling around at home for weeks.
Right, just a short update. I gotta go bathe and poof to bed! OFF DAY TOMORROW! YAyyyyy
Dance camp was bahhhh. Yes, bahhh. Why bahhh? Cos bahhh. HAHA. I dont know how to describe it. Why not you tell me?
Report at 1pm. Started with ALP from 2 to 5.30pm. What's ALP some may ask. Ive no idea what it stands for actually, but its those obstacles course thingy with rope and low and high elements and anyhow, it has got nothing to do with dance. But i kinda like it cos im sucker for such stuffs. I love fun and thrills weeeeeeee!
Right, so the sun was blazing hot and we were under the hot sun playing such stuffs. I was sweating buckets and almost drowning in my own perspiration. The weather started to change, lightnings were everywhere but no, it didnt pour. And that was a good thing because my group was playing the flying fox then.
After that was dinner followed by 2 dance movies which i fell asleep for awhile during the first cos i was totally worn out. Jam and hop till 12.30am and wooaalla! Just as you thought its time for lights out, then you're so damn wrong.
We started choreographing, practicing and dancing intensively from 1am to 5am for a mini competition among ourselves the next day. And i swear i was totally worn out and ive consumed all the energy in me, i was almost going bonkers remembering the steps and dancing properly. Not only me, everyone was.
So at 5.30AM, i finally had the chance to bathe and boom! Doze to dreamland. What's worst was that i gotta wake up by 8am to have breakfast which i thankfully managed to. But my eyes were half closed and i had only 10% energy in me. I decided to skip Street Jazz and Salsa workshop and went back to the room and replenish my rest with Velyne. And you know what? Street Jazz and Salsa workshop was the only thing that i attend the camp for. And i #$%^&*()-ly did not turn up for. What can i say? You tell me if ive made the right choice.
So i woke up at about 12pm, feeling much refreshed. Had lunch and started practicing for the dance piece again from 2pm till 4pm. Competition started and i did badly. I was dancing for the opening and then the next piece was my group's. So i got a little brain dead and mind blocked. I wasnt fully prepared when the music started playing. I panicked, i rushed, i forgot my steps, i stood still for a few seconds trying to be on track and i danced badly.
Didnt care less anymore. Velyne and i left right after the 2nd piece ended. Bathed and met Weiquan at Tampines for dinner before he sent me home. I was totally drained. And of all times, my mama and papa had to walk to Parkway just as Weiquan and i were walking home from there.
So tell me, was dance camp bahhhhh or not?!
I slept at 9.30pm last night and woke up at 9.30am this morning to prepare for work today. 12 hours of sleep but still deprived. I want more! My body was aching all over, i wasnt focused while working and tomorrow i gotta wake up at 7.30 because i gotta reach White Sands by 10am to sign in and start folding till my hands go soft and weak till 6pm because of the atrium sales. HOW SIA LIKE THAT? I will faint, collapse and die leh!
I know my post sounds boring, but im bored now what! To end this off with a lighter note,
Happy 18th birthday JingMin, Happy 19th birthday Chewlian and Happy 19th birthday Raymond. (I was thinking if you're 20 or 19 this year, but i shall make do with 19. Correct me if im wrong dude)
And of course, when the clock strikes 12 in half an hour's time, HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST DEAREST VERY SUPER DUPER EXTREMELY DEAREST BEST FRIEND, SHALYN!!!!! Muacks! I love you babe!
And er, happy post Children's Day to all?
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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